Sunday, June 17, 2012

Been a Long Time

So I have a million blog posts running around in my head, but no motivation to write them...B, I hope you don't hold it agains me when you get older, as I still want to leave you a complete chronicle of your first year. That said, I have more than a few updates that I hope to at least get out over the next week or so.

B's 8 month updates are coming first, followed by an update on our move and new house and our transition to our current time and space.

All is going very well though and I am just constantly amazed at these two little boys. I won't mention the COMPLETE meltdown that J had literally ALL DAY yesterday though. Let's just leave that in the past.

So I guess the whole father's day thing has brought me to blog today. I can't stomach facebook right now with all my friends posting the obligatory picture of their dad while taking some time to publically extoll praises. Yeah, I get it. I just sit and wonder how many realize and cherish what a gift their fathers are. I just really want to be able to hug my dad or pick up the phone to hear his voice. And now that we are in the same city, I would give anything to have him in my life and teaching my boys all the stuff he knows. I would have loved more than anything for him to see, hold and love baby B like only he would. But I won't get that chance and for lack of a better way to explain it, it just plain sucks. Two plus years later, I still don't understand why he's not here. I still have a hard time accepting his death and I still find myself mixed with anger and sadness daily. Uhhhhh! I am thankful for friends like Amina and Kristy who traveled this path before me, LaShara who walks with me and Katoiya as she's going through all the "firsts" without her dad. I just find it so tough to celebrate life sometimes when I'm still in the midst of mourning.

At the same time, I put on a happy face today and try to keep the tears at bay. After all, I do celebrate big J and the dad he is to my boys. I appreciate what he is to me and to them. He does an amazing job with the boys and steps up more than most. One look at the boys and their interaction with him and you know that he's their hero. Though I could do with a little less wrestling in the house, I know that he's perfect for them :)

So I guess I'm back to blogging so to speak. Let me see if I can get things going this week.

Thanks for hanging in there with me!