Rules of Reality

If you've seen the news lately, you have no doubt heard of the case of a little black boy who was gunned down by a "neighborhood watch" leader for no reason at all other than a perception of suspicion. If that weren't enough, the man who gunned down the little boy has not even been arrested. Where's the value in human life? Where's the justice for that little boy and his family? Police are saying that there isn't enough evidence to arrest the man, but after hearing the 911 tapes that have surfaced and the accounts of the witnesses, I have to question that. My heart goes out to the family of Trayvon Martin, who by all accounts was a good kid...and who definitely didn't deserve to die in that manner.

This case has brought to light some of the harsh realities of parenting black boys. Of of my mentors who is an amazing example of a wife and mother penned a post that says it better than I could. Here's an excerpt:

I mean......does anyone care about Trayvon Martin? Or about what it means to any African American parent when horrors such as this one occur????? As I reflect on how many times I have to tell my African American son to take his hoodie off lest someone white "get scared" or "think the wrong thing"???? Tired of this shit! Tired of always having to take the offensive every damn day.......every time there's a burglary or crime in my neighborhood, folks looking at my son and my husband as if they may be the one! This is the problem! And got the same shit in all the gated communities we've lived in too....all over the country! How am I supposed to believe in this society and trust that all is OK when my African American son could be next on the list. This is deep folks. It really is. The mindset out there from the majority of folks is terrifying. I feel like I'm living in the 50's - having to issue warnings to my children every damn day - don't go here, don't wear this, take the hood off.................even though their white counterparts don't have to understand these same codes. They're free to be kids! Had to get on my son for essentially walking through a store with his hands in his pockets. Mind you, he was doing nothing wrong, and he seems to just feel comfortable with hands in pocket......but I am looking at what THEY might think when they see the hands in pockets. A thief? A gun? Every damn day!!!! Just like I must prove that I'm really in Nordstrom to shop and truly purchase something....not lift it!!!!!!!! WTF! It breaks my heart every day when I realize just how it is, and ain't never changed. Black folks, please teach your kids. They need to know how treacherous some of these folks can be! They need to understand what they must face, what they must to do survive, even if it isn't fair. LIke, maybe they can't walk to the convenience store, maybe they can't go out to buy some Skittles and ides tea like Trayvon Martin, not like white kids can !!!!!! Sorry for the rant, but I am really reeling and, I suspect, most of Black America is too....unless we're too caught up in watching stupid ass reality shows or Basketball games to care or even know what time it is!!!!!!!!!

Very harsh reality right now to face as the mommy of two brown boys. In our age where they now see a black president and hopefully understand that they can achieve all of their dreams, I just pray that they grow up with a more tolerant society that believes in them as much as we do...

Lord help us!

The Mommy Paradox

We want to hold on, but we want to let go. We want to see the next milestone, but we want time to stand still. We want to soothe you, but we want you to learn to be independent. We want to protect you from all hurt, but we want you to learn from life's difficulties. We want to keep you by our sides forever, but we want you to grow wings and fly.

Just a few things sticking out in my head this morning as I think about my boys. B is becoming such a little man right before my eyes, yet it still seems like he should be a little newborn. It is amazing how many changes babies go through during the first year. I posted B's 5 months update a few days ago (scroll down), but yeah, he's just amazing. I look at him and I just can't put into words what I feel. I guess I could go on and on with the oxymorons that seem to apply, but yeah, it's bitter sweet to see him continuing to grow and thrive. Of course, I am overjoyed with each new discovery or development and I think with excitement about the day when he figures out how to crawl, walk and say mamma. (BTW, he's babbling da-da now first...boo, LOL). But B, can you just snuggle with mom a little longer please? Your big brother is far too independent to do so and yeah, the coolness of mom gets replaced quickly by the "boys" hanging together with dad. And um, so yep, they even have their own little special sign that they do that I can't be a part of. Woe is me :)

***Moving on***

It's another Monday around these parts and I am tired! We had a great weekend in Miami with the family and B got to put his toes in the swimming pool for the first time. It was a little chilly, so he didn't get to fully enjoy, but J--ie the fish, certainly got his fill of swimming. In addition, we got to hang out on South Beach and took in a Miami Heat game. How awesome to see J chanting and cheering with all the fans. He had a ball! Alas, back to reality today...

Pictures to come soon!

What's in a Blog?

Just some thoughts in my head over the last few days concerning this blog (and others like it)

I started this blog to document our days as a family welcoming our new addition, baby B. I initially had the intent of writing about all things baby including his milestones and overall cuteness and to document J's journey as a preschooler. For those who have "followed" me or know me IRL, you know that when J was born, I had a baby site that I updated daily. That was about four, almost five years ago and blogs weren't as widespread and weren't free. But I did a good job at it. It allowed me to share our special moments and pictures with my family and friends far and wide. At the end of two years and tons of updates, I retired the babysite. Before I did that, I managed to print out all the updates and the growth chart that kept track of J for those 24 some odd months. I have saved those posts in PDF form and also have them printed out. I think that's better than any baby book, though the pages are now secured in his book. Anyhow, before I digress too far, I want these pages to be cherished by B just as much. I know it's not a babysite, per se, but it's still about our journey with him. So at the end of the run of this blog, when I feel it is appropriate, I will retire this blog as well and print out the contents for him to have as he grows up. I am hopeful that the mirror it provides for him will be one of great memories and love. So while it's not a chronicle only about B or his milestones, it will be all about him. Does that make sense? At the same time, I am hopeful that J will find these words just as fitting for him as we discuss the growth and development of his life as an awesome little boy.

So what's in this blog? I hope a lot...a lot of love, a lot of life and lot of laughter...for B, for J, for Big J, for my mom, my brother and myself. It's all those things and so much more.

Words from my heart...

The Balance of it All

Some days I struggle to find balance in everything. Especially now that I am back at work, I find it increasingly more and more interesting to walk the line between doing it all and realizing that I can't do it all. Last night as I was cooking dinner with one hand, had B in tow in the other arm, picked up a towel off the floor with my foot and got J dinner from the microwave with my teeth (yall didn't know I was that talented, right), I just had to stop and laugh at myself. Overachiever at heart I guess. So I had to take a moment, assess the situation and talk to myself. Self, you can't do all this at once and continue to be fully present (my resolution yall). So I quit...I took dinner from the oven and moved it to the refrigerator. I grabbed a snack for myself since J was more than happy with his noodles and sandwich (his nightly request for dinner) and I SAT DOWN...Though only for ten minutes, I took a break. Then of course, the madness that is our bath and bedtime ritual ensued, but still I took a break to breathe and collect myself. And that breather was good for me and for the boys. I don't want to be the mom who rushes through the day checking items off the list just to get done and move on to the next thing. I find myself hurrying J along to move faster, do things quicker and in his own way, he's just trying to go through the process and he should have the freedom to do that. I shouldn't have to make him move faster or encourage B to drink his bottle quicker so I can move on to the next thing. I just need to take a deep breath, even if that means I start dinner tonight with half cooked food from yesterday...it'll still be good when we get to it!

So we enjoyed the rest of our night. Bath time with the boys is one of my favorite times. J shares the tub with B and I put B's baby tub across the big tub. So while J is in the big tub, B is in his baby tub that spans the with of the tub (I'll have to post a pic one day so yall understand what I am saying). Anyhow, it works. It gives the brothers time to bond and enjoy some quiet time together and it let's me get them both in and out at once. I know I said B loves his baths, but yall, he LOVES his baths. He kicks and slides all around the tub and it's just funny. It reminds me of when J was little except that J was a kicking machine. Once he learned that he could splash, J would have water EVERYWHERE...he even managed to get my hair wet. B hasn't gotten to that point yet, thank goodness.

Today was spring and class pic day for J. I hope he smiles big time. We have so many pics of the kid...what do I need with more? I can't resist! And even B has more pics that a normal person would in a lifetime. Memories...

Well, I think that's it for today. Taking a deep breath and tackling the rest of the day!

For the Kids?

Hello all. We hope you had a great weekend...it's back to reality for us and we are on the grind...Monday=Fun Day...YEAH RIGHT!

Anyhow, our weekend was great, filled with family time. It's a rare occurrence that big J has both Saturday and Sunday off, so we all hung out.

Saturday, we went to the Gasparilla children's parade. It's the area's version of Mardi Gras so to speak, though we know that it doesn't even come close. Anyhow, the boys had a good time. J got some great throws and even caught a football from one of the floats. He was more excited about his corn dog and cotton candy though. B took in all the action before falling asleep in his favorite place, the baby Bjorn (thank God for that thing).

One thing that struck me about the parade though I will never understand. As J was trying to get a closer look at the floats and the action, several "adults" were telling him to go to the back since they had been there since 9am to reserve a spot at the parade. Um, really, excuse me!!!??!?!? So when did I miss the memo that a child can't stand in an open spot on the grass at a parade as an observer? WTH? In an effort to keep the peace, we walked away and moved several times since those who came and decided to get boozed up all day before the "kids'" fun were too blitz to realize the stupidity in their actions. I am thankful that my sons know the value in people and the value in fun. J doesn't let much bother him at all and I am thankful for that. So despite that foolishness, we had a good outing. Those folks were just lucky that things remained civil. After a warning from law enforcement in their direction, it was amazing how things calmed down...

Yesterday was another day to lament the Saints loss as I know they would have made it to the super bowl...oh well, next year boys...

We've got a couple of things shaking on the horizon that I hope to blog about in the very near future. Just keep your fingers crossed for us as we continue to make moves and navigate the world of parenthood.

Now that my qui is balanced and I am back in my zen mood (thanks Christina), let me get back to work...Chat with you guys later. Feel free to leave me a comment to let me know you're out there in cyberspace :)

Getting my feet wet?

Yeah, well, not so much here...try jumping in with all my clothes on at the deep end of the pool...That's the analogy for how it's been getting back to work. I guess the idealistic part of me thought that I would have a few days to unpack these (numerous) boxes left over from fall events, clean my desk, sort through (too many) emails and return voicemails for a few days before the madness resumed, but yeah, not so much. Not at all...not even a little bit. I guess the work never stopped while I was gone and I appreciate all the support I received while I was out. My co-workers covered my events well and everything got done, so for that, I am grateful. But DAMN, do I have to be innundated with so many conference calls right now? Okay, so I know the budget reforecast is due, but I can't remember if I brushed my GD teeth this morning, so how do you expect me to know why I budgeted for office supplies the way that I did? Hell, that was back in July...Geez...I guess I should insert the qualifier here about ranting about work when I should be thankful for having a job and all that other BS. Of course, I am grateful for the job and for the three and a half months away that it allowed me to spend with my family...but yeah, so I guess I just wanted to come back and maintain a little of my sanity by dipping one toe in the pool at a time. Oh well.

At least the boys are doing well and adjusting fine. J hasn't missed a beat in school and since yall have sent tips and commenced to praying for him, the boy has only had positive reports in school #prayerworks! B is being loved on during the day and I am getting awesome text messages and pictures throughout the day that put me at ease a bit. Yes, just a bit, yall know moms always worry regardless. I am thankful that I don't have to work and worry (too much) about them. I don't know how I would handle that.

So yeah, that's where I am today. Lunch meeting and more conference calls on tap. Yay me! (sarcasm yall...)

Uhhhhhhh

Don't you hate when you can't remember things??? Well, ideas for my blog posts hit me at random times during the day (SN: gotta start taking notes). I had my post for today all mapped out and alas, at the computer and can't for the life of me remember what I was going to write...Oh well...I guess this'll just be a quick hit until I remember.

B did well at the sitter/my friend's house yesterday on day one. He was a good baby and they agreed to have him back :). From all reports, he was pleasant for them and only got a little fussy when he was sleeping. He had so much fun that he celebrated by taking a three hour nap when we got home! Whew....So despite the fact that I wanted to get some mom time in with my little one, I did enjoy his sleeping so I could wash, clean and cook dinner. We got lots and lots of baby snuggles when he woke up, took his bath and played before bed.

And J is officially trying to be a true big boy. He waited in the car circle at school yesterday with my friend's daughter and got picked up and went home with them. We usually go to his classroom to pick him up before school is dismissed...Oh my baby! Next, he will be riding the bus (which he would LOVE if mommy let him do it...um, NO--well, not yet)...

So that's it for now. Off to list some stuff on Craig's List and do some work.

Later dolls and dudes :)

Back At It

...And I don't really know how to feel...So yes, today is day one back at work. It seems like it's been a long and short three+ months at home with my three guys. I never thought I could be the stay-at-home mom type and I still don't, so I guess I am conflicted.

I don't really want to be here. I miss the days when I used to LOVE my job...When I looked forward to coming into the office every day and making an impact...Now, it's more like I go through the motions (still doing a great job along the way) just to get my paycheck. The job is more a means to an end right now rather than something I enjoy doing. So part of me doesn't feel like it's worth it to be away from my baby and being at home doing my best to keep the household in order for all three of my boys. Should I feel guilty about that?

Then the rational side of me tells me that I need to have a paycheck and by being here, I am taking care of them more than anything else. Don't get me wrong--the adult interaction and use of my brain is welcomed, but yeah, I am over it already (SN: I have only been here for 17 minutes...long day ahead). So to get started, this week, I am only here for two days this week and then from there, I will be in the office three days a week. I get a ton done in my limited time, probably more than all my co-workers, so I am not worried about my work suffering...I am more focused on my family.

I am very lucky to have found some wonderful sitters for J when he was younger (thanks Cheryl and Carisa). I can't imagine having the in daycare when they are so young. And I am lucky that baby B is in the capable hands of my friend/hairdresser and her husband while I am away. They have three adorable little girls (ages 7, 4 and 17 months), so they are experts in my book. So if you know me, you know that I can be very Type A, so yeah, we went over to their house over the weekend to put B's set up together. I brought over a pack-and-play and a swing and a plastic tub with all his essentials so that we only have to bring the baby and bottles every day. And yeah, as only I can do, I had my two pages of typed out notes for him as well as a baby journal so they can fill out notes about his day (ie when did he eat and how much? How many soiled diapers? Overall mood, etc). So thankfully they didn't get offended and laughed it off, but yeah, um, I hope they fill it out, LOL.

Okay, so back to this line up of conference calls today...Welcome back to me, right...

Waiting Room Chatter

Over the past few days, I have found myself in medical waiting rooms for one reason (B or J) or another. As always, I am observing my surroundings, keeping watch on my boys and listening to the communication around me at the same time. Well, today for some reason was different. I wanted to just yell SHUT UP as the same tired chorus of stay-at-home mom chatter was going on around me. (before I go any further, PLEASE do not take this as a negative post about those blessed to stay home with their kids, I admire yall)...Okay, back to my thoughts. As I was listening to the ramblings about who ate what and how many unwanted pounds they had all packed on, I just couldn't relate to them. I mean, well, yes, I am a mom, I have two great boys, I have unwanted pounds, etc, so on the surface, we have a lot in common, but deep down, yeah, well, there must have been something more. And I am not sure what that something is...

As these ladies exchanged labor and delivery stories, I could have chimed in. The thoughts in my head were reeling but the words left me rendered as mute. I just wanted it to stop. It seems as though each person was trying to one up each other, like each person wanted to make their story of labor tougher, their children brighter, their motherhood badge of honor more worthy...and I couldn't take it. I know we each have our journeys that are filled with peaks and valleys. We each have things to be thankful for and things we wish had worked out differently. Yet somehow, sitting among the mindless talk of strangers, I just wanted to transcend the conversations and get the hell out of dodge. So I did what I do--I zoned out and started some personal reflection...

Yes, my boys are the greatest ever. Yes, my c-section was something to contend with. Yes, breastfeeding and engorgement sucked big balls for me. Yes, I work my ass off at home to do what needs to be done...and yes, I could relate to those stories being tossed about with an indiffernt type of pride...and yes, I ignored the talk and really, I could have cared less...

Tomorrow is a New Day

Today I put a (dirty) diaper in the washing machine and a bib in the trash can...It's been that kinda day. Tired much? #Motherhood! Oh well, tomorrow is a new day. Let's try again :)

and goooooooooooooooooo Saints!

25/8

Now, for those of yall who truly know me, you know that I have never been a real big fan of MJB. I don't know why, never have and though I love some of her songs, I'd never buy the CD...Well, until now...25/8 has become my theme song...and no, not for the love and reasons that she belts out in her lyrics (though it is pretty great), but because with everything on my plate, I would LOVE an extra hour in the day and an extra day in the week! Just a thought...

Okay, so snaps to myself (join in if you care to)...I got an A+ in my latest PhD course! YAY :). So why didn't I start classes earlier? I would have three degrees by now...Okay, back to my A...I was hesitant to sign up for the latest class because I would be taking it during months five through nine of cooking B. But I knew that if I stopped, it would take some motivating to get going again. My first semester, I took two classes, but I knew I couldn't do that again this time around, so I just took one--Financial Aspects of Sports. I chose that one because, hey, it's what I deal with every day and two, the class required a final exam instead of a final research paper. So I made my way through it and did all the assignments before B arrived with the exception of the final. So I snuggled in on Thanksgiving day and braved the three hour final. Given the sleep deprivation and overall busyness (see aforementioned paragraph), I didn't study nearly as much as I should have, but I was running out of time. So I was delighted yesterday to receive a nice email from my professor that included the A...In his words, I DID A+ WORK! So yay, snaps to me!!!!!!!!!!! Nine credits down, only I don't know how many more to go...I can't think about that, just knocking them out one class at a time :)

My family is my motivation (cue Kelly Rowland song...not for "those" reasons either though, LOL...just the title)

This is the Way We...

This is the way we brush our teeth...wash our hands...blow our nose...you name it...

Yall know that song we all sang when we were little as we immitated various behaviors. Well, lately, I think I need to sing that song to myself. Let me explain...

Some days, I literally don't know where the time goes. It's like I blink and it's dark outside and we're ready to start the bedtime routine to get ready for the next day. Now, I won't say that I get everything done in a day because that's far from the truth, but I manage to pull off a few things here and there. That doesn't mean that sometimes it's not until lunchtime when I realize that I haven't brushed my teeth or washed my face (sorry if you think that's TMI, but that's the reality of life with a newborn and preschooler)...But hey, at least like I said, I get it done, lol.

Between taking care of the boys and house and home, things are just on a slower timetable and the focus has shifted. So like one of my best friends said yesterday when the dishes go unwashed or the floor unmopped, I really don't care. I don't count it as a loss and I don't lament over the things piling up on the counter. I keep them all in the "to do" pile and move on to getting ready for the next day.

My boys are fed, clean, happy and thriving and that, to me is a mommy win!

This is the way...I roll :)