Been a Long Time

So I have a million blog posts running around in my head, but no motivation to write them...B, I hope you don't hold it agains me when you get older, as I still want to leave you a complete chronicle of your first year. That said, I have more than a few updates that I hope to at least get out over the next week or so.

B's 8 month updates are coming first, followed by an update on our move and new house and our transition to our current time and space.

All is going very well though and I am just constantly amazed at these two little boys. I won't mention the COMPLETE meltdown that J had literally ALL DAY yesterday though. Let's just leave that in the past.

So I guess the whole father's day thing has brought me to blog today. I can't stomach facebook right now with all my friends posting the obligatory picture of their dad while taking some time to publically extoll praises. Yeah, I get it. I just sit and wonder how many realize and cherish what a gift their fathers are. I just really want to be able to hug my dad or pick up the phone to hear his voice. And now that we are in the same city, I would give anything to have him in my life and teaching my boys all the stuff he knows. I would have loved more than anything for him to see, hold and love baby B like only he would. But I won't get that chance and for lack of a better way to explain it, it just plain sucks. Two plus years later, I still don't understand why he's not here. I still have a hard time accepting his death and I still find myself mixed with anger and sadness daily. Uhhhhh! I am thankful for friends like Amina and Kristy who traveled this path before me, LaShara who walks with me and Katoiya as she's going through all the "firsts" without her dad. I just find it so tough to celebrate life sometimes when I'm still in the midst of mourning.

At the same time, I put on a happy face today and try to keep the tears at bay. After all, I do celebrate big J and the dad he is to my boys. I appreciate what he is to me and to them. He does an amazing job with the boys and steps up more than most. One look at the boys and their interaction with him and you know that he's their hero. Though I could do with a little less wrestling in the house, I know that he's perfect for them :)

So I guess I'm back to blogging so to speak. Let me see if I can get things going this week.

Thanks for hanging in there with me!

Heart Disease Awareness

You know how sometimes you become the poster child for something without really wanting to do it? And yeah, you join a club that you never thought you would be in yet you find yourself in the midst of what you feel is madness? Well, I guess that sums up how I feel about heart disease and awareness of heart issues.

If you've read my blog the past few days, you know by now that two years ago my father suddenly passed away. My dad was a picture of health, or so we thought. He ate well for the most part and worked out every day of the week. He was active and very much vibrant and just all around amazing! So in the grips of grief in dealing with his death, the questions came. How could he die from a massive heart attack? It just didn't (and still doesn't) make any sense to us.

So now, there are several campaigns going on that seek to raise awareness of heart disease. And as we now know all too well, family heredity is something that is a high, high risk factor. My Pawpaw (dad's father) died of congestive heart failure and after the fact, we have learned that two of my dad's other brothers are suffering from heart issues. TALK TO YOUR FAMILY PEOPLE!!!!

My amazing brother was featured on a news story yesterday in a series of heart disease awareness.

See the new story HERE

And check yourself and your family for the risk factors. We will have to keep a close eye on ourselves and our boys and remain committed to breaking the cycle of this ugly disease in our family!

Daddy....

It's been two years since I last heard your voice...unimaginable pain, strength I didn't know existed and love and support from near and far. I long for you every day. My heart continues to ache and the tears still flow as we carry on your legacy. Daddy, missing you today and every day!


"Dance With My Father"

Back when I was a child, before life removed all the innocence
My father would lift me high and dance with my mother and me and then
Spin me around ‘til I fell asleep
Then up the stairs he would carry me
And I knew for sure I was loved
If I could get another chance, another walk, another dance with him
I’d play a song that would never, ever end
How I’d love, love, love
To dance with my father again
When I and my mother would disagree
To get my way, I would run from her to him
He’d make me laugh just to comfort me
Then finally make me do just what my mama said
Later that night when I was asleep
He left a dollar under my sheet
Never dreamed that he would be gone from me
If I could steal one final glance, one final step, one final dance with him
I’d play a song that would never, ever end
‘Cause I’d love, love, love
To dance with my father again
Sometimes I’d listen outside her door
And I’d hear how my mother cried for him
I pray for her even more than me
I pray for her even more than me
I know I’m praying for much too much
But could you send back the only man she loved
I know you don’t do it usually
But dear Lord she’s dying
To dance with my father again
Every night I fall asleep and this is all I ever dream

I Know, I Know

I had just gotten the hang of this blogging thing and actually took the time to write (ie my therapy) and post regularly and now, well, let's just say for a number of reasons, it has to take a back seat...but PLEASE, hang in there with me.

Until then, I want to share this AWESOME article with you about my dad. He's being honored by a local business magazine and being inducted into their Hall of Fame later this month. We miss him terribly and I couldn't be more proud!!!

Check it out HERE ...

The Circle of Life

Today I am reminded about how fragile life is and how sometimes it just doesn't make any sense. I have talked before about loosing my father almost two years ago and some days I still can't come to grips with that. Then yesterday, one of my best friends suddenly lost her dad too. Just like that, life is changed for her forever and it will never be the same. My heart aches for her, but more than that, it aches for her two young daughters. Some days, the hardest part of loosing my dad is that J misses his Pawpaw and that B will never know him. That rips my heart out. And then I just know that my dad would love nothing more than to sit in his recliner and talk to B for hours on end. Yep, B would be spoiled by him beyond measure. But alas, he was cheated of that opportunity and it sucks. I know all the "PC" things that my dad is here with us, he's watching over us and all that, but it's not the same and it doesn't make me feel better. Just like for my friend...there's no words that can ease what she's going through and nothing that makes it okay. I know that all too well. So that can leave you asking what's the point of it all. And really, all we can do is live the best that we can and love each other to the fullest. My dad and her dad were among the best men around. I was blessed to have my dad and blessed to have her dad in my life as well. I just wish we had more time...especially more time for our children to know and cherish these men as much as we do!

Here's the article about her dad

And a quick google search of my dad only gives you a glimpse of the great man he was. (SN: he is the "Jr." my brother is the other great man in some of the articles)

Man, my heart is sick right now :(

Bye Blogging Break...Hello 2012

Well, I have a lot of updating to do. We are in the midst of a great holiday break. Recaps to come as my blogging break is coming to an end. I will have full blog posts again when we return home in a few days. The boys are doing great, enjoying time with family and friends and being spoiled by grandmothers. Though breaks like this are always welcomed and nice, it's also good to be back home in our own beds and back to our routines, so we are looking forward to that as well.

As we face the last few hours of the year that is 2011, I am reflecting on how life has changed. I am still sad that it was a year that my dad didn't get to see. He has missed so much and he is missed so much. We continue to carry him in our hearts always! I have been trying to think of three words to sum up the year (I love that feature on the Sunday CBS morning news)and too many words come to mind...I mean, can I do anything in three words? So after much pondering, I am thinking "transitions through blessings" summarizes my year. Yeah, when I think about it, those three words seem powerful and fitting. What would your three words be? Interesting to think about, right?

Anyhow, like I said, full recaps of the holidays and the boys are coming zoo. Thanks for your patience and blessings on a great new year to you and your families.

Double Digits

Baby boy, you are ten weeks old today! Wow...Looking back at some of the pictures (which seems like they were taken just yesterday), I have realized how you have changed so much. You are so much fun and we love talking to you and snuggling with you.

We have been super busy the past few days. Our bowl game went well last night and it was good for me to see my coworkers and friends. Of course, everyone was excited to see J and meet B...So after a few days in the hotel enjoying bowl week activities and spreading some Christmas cheer, we are back home. We'll have about a day to unpack, wash and repack before we head out of town for the holidays and I, for one, can't wait.

The holidays will be a little sad this year. I am trying to think of it positively by saying that I have gained another angel, but it's tough. Yesterday morning, my mawmaw passed away. She was hospitalized a brief time before she died. My dad's mom was awesome and always reminded me to appreciate the simple things in life. My heart is heavy that though she saw pictures of Baby B, she will never get to meet him or hold him. I am somewhat comforted by the fact that my daddy now has both of his parents with him in heaven and I pray that their spirits are all rejoicing together. But yeah, this sucks. In times like these, I wonder about faith and the fairness of it all. I am not going to get into it on this blog post, but that'll be coming soon.

We love you MawMaw (or Mamom as she preferred sometimes). Please watch over me and my boys. May you get your wings and be granted peace. Please hug my dad for me. You are both missed beyond measure!

Traditionally Speaking

Sorry I have been away for a few days. It's been a little bumpy here chez 2999, but everyone is on the mend and we are declaring good health for our family from here on out!!!!

Anyhow, since we've had some days quarantined in the house, I have done quite a bit of thinking about the holidays and what they mean to me. As I have perused various blogs and websites, I am touched by some of the traditions that people share with their families. They range from the kinda strange--ie that elf on a shelf thing that I still don't get--to the sentimental--ie lighting candles for departed loved ones.

While I know that we had traditions growing up, I don't know that we defined them as such. Instead, we just enjoyed the moments and cherished the time together doing what we do...I can recall one of my favorite times was sitting by the fireplace every year waiting for my dad to make a "big" fire so that we could sit in our PJ's and hear him read the Christmas story like only he could. And yes, we did that every year, so I guess that was a little tradition...Though as I look outside at this sun and 80 degree weather, it's hard to imagine those chilly days. So yeah, well, aside from that, our annual holiday celebrations included stops at my maternal grandmother's home followed by a stop at my mawmaw and pawpaw's house. Yep, our trip to the country...filled with laughs, love, food and Wal-Mart gift that we loved so much. Those were the days, LOL.

So fast forward to now...it saddens me that dad only got to read that Christmas story to J a few times and it sucks that B won't even know his voice. Those trips to the country aren't quite the same without him and so many more who are no longer with us. There's a stillness in the celebrations that match the loneliness in our hearts. But I have to remind myself to snap out of it and to realize that I can't dwell in grief. I have memories to make and "traditions" to uphold with my boys, my mom and my brother. So while we don't have dad's artistic touch to add the holiday decorations to the yard at mom's house, we still have to pull out his reindeer and snowman and put them up the best that we can. I know he'd be laughing and proud. I am going to bribe guncle to read the Christmas story to the boys this year and maybe, just maybe, we'll get the fireplace to light up and carry a flame like dad used to.

More than anything, I want to pass along the feeling of family and of love. After all, that's what the holidays are about, right? So 20 years from now, when the boys are grown and moving on, I want them to be able to reflect on their holidays with warm fuzzies...Okay, wait, they are boys, let me rephrase...I want them to have fond memories of the times spent with family. I want them to cherish not just the material gifts, but the intangible ones as well. I want them to be able to pass along what I guess we can proudly call our family traditions...though the are not as defined or elaborate as some, they are ours and I am grateful for them!

THANKFUL

Just a quick post...I know everyone is posting about the holiday and what it means to them. This year, as every year, I have much to be thankful for. As I reflect on my time, the only thing that I long for is if my dad were still here. Regardless, I am still thankful for having him in my life and for him making me the person that I am. Laughing tonight as me and J are burning the midnight oil (hey, he's on vacation too)...I showed him a picture of me and my dad when I was an infant and J is insistant that the picture is of Pawpaw and B. LOL. I guess baby B does look like me after all. Okay, I digress, back to the point...

I am thankful for:
-Love and a loving God
-A healthy, happy family
-Being able to get through nine months of pregnancy
-The support of family and friends
-Shelter, provisions, transportation, luxuries
-A job to sustain our lifestyle
-Blogs, facebook, photography...capturing the moments of life
-Every minute that I am blessed with

Love you all!

Wondering if he sees....

Something about looking at my boys brings me back to my dad. It's been 19 months since I last heard his voice but that day plays in my mind like it was yesterday. At that point you wonder how you will ever move on and continue living--or breathing for that matter. The thought of facing life without my dad--my hero, my biggest supporter, my confidant--was just too much to comprehend. But alas, we have no choice. And like I have told many of my friends, I couldn't take things one day at a time back then, I had to take them one step at a time. I knew that things would never be the same for me, my brother or my mom. In the months after my father died, I not only had to deal with my grief, but also try to make sense of Pawpaw's absence to a very inquisitive three year old who didn't understand the finality in death. Of course, that compounded things for me, but again, one step at a time...so we live, we move, we breathe and we find a new since of normality...

Fast forward to today when I look into the eyes of my two week old and I wonder if my father sees him. As I rock the baby in my arms, I just think of my dad and how I know that he would give anything to hold him and spoil him endlessly. I imagine my dad imparting his knowledge on my sons, encouraging them to move toward success and letting them know that they are destined for greatness.

The faithful part of me wants to know that his spirit is here, that he's watching over us and that, as I told my friends, my sons couldn't have a better guardian angel! Days like today when I want to feel down and sad, that gives me comfort. I am also comforted by the fact that my dad was here. Sound strange? Well, I know that my dad lives through me. I hear him in my words and I see him in my actions. So though physically he has departed, yeah, he's still around...and he's happy...and he's proud of me and proud of these boys. Nothing gave him greater joy than to be called Pawpaw, so I know that he's still proudly wearing that badge!

So dad, we miss you more than words. I commit that my boys will know you and will continue to walk out the legacy you laid the groundwork for. (and tell my Pawpaw we love him too :))