Something about looking at my boys brings me back to my dad. It's been 19 months since I last heard his voice but that day plays in my mind like it was yesterday. At that point you wonder how you will ever move on and continue living--or breathing for that matter. The thought of facing life without my dad--my hero, my biggest supporter, my confidant--was just too much to comprehend. But alas, we have no choice. And like I have told many of my friends, I couldn't take things one day at a time back then, I had to take them one step at a time. I knew that things would never be the same for me, my brother or my mom. In the months after my father died, I not only had to deal with my grief, but also try to make sense of Pawpaw's absence to a very inquisitive three year old who didn't understand the finality in death. Of course, that compounded things for me, but again, one step at a time...so we live, we move, we breathe and we find a new since of normality...
Fast forward to today when I look into the eyes of my two week old and I wonder if my father sees him. As I rock the baby in my arms, I just think of my dad and how I know that he would give anything to hold him and spoil him endlessly. I imagine my dad imparting his knowledge on my sons, encouraging them to move toward success and letting them know that they are destined for greatness.
The faithful part of me wants to know that his spirit is here, that he's watching over us and that, as I told my friends, my sons couldn't have a better guardian angel! Days like today when I want to feel down and sad, that gives me comfort. I am also comforted by the fact that my dad was here. Sound strange? Well, I know that my dad lives through me. I hear him in my words and I see him in my actions. So though physically he has departed, yeah, he's still around...and he's happy...and he's proud of me and proud of these boys. Nothing gave him greater joy than to be called Pawpaw, so I know that he's still proudly wearing that badge!
So dad, we miss you more than words. I commit that my boys will know you and will continue to walk out the legacy you laid the groundwork for. (and tell my Pawpaw we love him too :))
